he was........aaaaaaaaaaasian

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I must be Emo.

Oh. My. FUCKING. GOD.
Am I wrong in saying that this is single-handedly and undoubtedly the best news report ever done in the history of the world?

SExGiFT 4 AND 5 - NY Coed Soccer 1 your ass is so on fire

To recap from 2 weeks ago:

Team Explosion defeated a "bunch of assholes" 3-0. Ain't no thang.

Yesterday:

The SuperExploders added yet another clean sheet to their record as they forced Bloody Mary(s) to suck on even more of Jesus' cock. She sucked it so hard we all thought that Jesus' balls would come flying up through his dickhole and choke her. Fortunately, that didn't happen and Mary is able to go on sucking for another day.

In one of the most complete games SExGiFT has put together, Michelle notched her first goal of the season, becoming the final regular field player to tally their first goal. Well done, Michelle! It's about time!

Ravi made his season debut, brandishing his gigantic brown scimitar of pain (found on Level 6 of the Necropolis by defeating Ulgath in his house outside of Doongsein) and instilling fear deep...deep within the hearts of that bloody bitch. While he didn't find the back of the net with his scimitar, he surely proved that he knows what to do with it. Overheard on the B(owel) M(ovements) sideline at the end of the game, "wow. did you see Ravi today? holy crap i want him inside me.... do you have a towel?" -Keeper McBetweenTheLegsAroundMyBackDownMyAssCrackAndOutMyMouthForMySpecialReverseDigestionThrow

Stellar ball movment, flawless ball control, and top shelf goalkeeping proved to be far too much for the opponent on Sunday. And all indicators point to a similar situation next week as SExGiFT takes on Free Agent Team 5.

FAT5. Good name guys. With all the free time you guys have while you're picking the ball out of the back of the net, maybe you can think of a name for your team.....

Explode.

James Van Helsing

This is pure awesomeness. I would LOVE - LOOOOVE - to be this dude's neighbor. I'd fuck with him every day of the week. From CNN.com...
__________________________________________

OCONOMOWOC, Wisconsin (AP) -- A man says he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his upstairs neighbor was watching.

"Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. "This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake."

According to a criminal complaint, the neighbor told police that Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning February 12, damaging the frame and lock.

"Where is she?" Van Iveren demanded, thrusting the sword at the neighbor, the complaint said. "Where is she?"

The neighbor told police Van Iveren became increasingly aggressive as he repeated the question, insisting that he had heard a woman being raped. The complaint said that, with the sword pointed at him, the neighbor led Van Iveren throughout the apartment, opening closet doors to prove he was alone.

The neighbor later played for police the part of the DVD he believed Van Iveren heard downstairs.

Van Iveren, 39, of Oconomowoc, was charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct, all while using a dangerous weapon, and is scheduled to appear in court March 5. Together, the misdemeanor counts carry a maximum sentence of 33 months in jail.

Van Iveren said Tuesday that he heard a woman "screaming for help," grabbed the sword, bounded up the stairs, kicked in the apartment door and confronted the man who lived there.

"I intended to hold it behind my back and knock. But I froze and instead, what happened happened," he told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.

Contesting his neighbor's account, Van Iveren said he didn't look anywhere in the apartment except the front room, and that he never threatened the neighbor with the sword.

"I had the sword extended, but that was all," he said.

Van Iveren, who lives with his mother in the downstairs apartment, said he did not call police when he heard the noises because he does not have a telephone. He said he barely knew the upstairs tenant.

Police seized Van Iveren's sword, which he said was a family heirloom.

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CNN.com original post

American Idol my new favorite lifestyle

For the third year in a row, I am superfuckingtimberlakepsyched for the live portion of American Idol. Not because of Simon's fat girl titties, Paula's sad life, or even Randy's racially biased commenting (which actually comes in second on my list of favorite Idol-related things, dawg (unless you're white, dude).

No, my superfuckingtimeberlakegiganticbonerpsyched-ness comes from a little site I've mentioned before called TradeSports.

Yes, it's once again time...to...BET ON IDOL!!!

The top 24 is set, the lines have been established, and Chris with the crazy hair is the clear favorite out of the gate. Something I don't have a problem with. I'm actually a little disappointed - I was hoping that gambling America would sleep on him a little bit, letting me get in on him early (like I did with Taylor last year.... Yes, that's right...TradeSports deposited some delicious crispy greens in my account after last year's show).

You can bet as little as $0.50 in some cases - so it's really not a big deal to play along. And it makes the show 6 buzillion times more interesting.

Soooooo....get your asses over to TradeSports and sign up for your own account and get betting! That Jersey slut Antonella Barba will be ripe for betting against in about two weeks. I can't wait to see her big Italian-American tears drip down her face as Simon tells her to blow him because she's not good for anything else. Other than making me money, of course....

only in germany.

::sigh:: germans....

The Perfect Picture

I stumbled upon this picture totally randomly--I have no clue when or where it's from, but it's just SO perfect. It pretty much sums everything up about everyone involved.It's like each of them are making the EXACT expression that characterizes them as people. Look very carefully--everything from the way each one gives the finger, to the individual smiles--it's all too perfect.

It's true: a picture does speak 1000 words.

Oh. My. God. (Here we are now, entertain us.)

Words cannot describe...

Paul Anka performing "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

Grammys For Your Granny!

While clawing my eyes out watching the Grammy’s last night, I realized that my favorite category, "Best Native American Album," was one of those awards given before the show at a Denny’s in Louisville, Kentucky.

I also decided to look up what band had won for Best Metal Performance (whatever the fuck that truly means). Your answer: Slayer. Respectable…though it would have made more sense 10 years ago, before they decided to release an album that most metal aficionados would agree sounds worse than the death rattles of small babies.

Nine Inch Nails, Korn, Slipknot, Tool: all past winners; all just BARELY "metal." And then, of course, there’s Linkin Park and Evanescence. I'm pretty much nauseated at this point. And if that's not enough, for whatever reason, Black Sabbath won in 2000 for “Iron Man”. Did every Metal band take a nap that year?!?

But the one “Performance” that blew my mind was that of a band I love. The year was 1991 and the band was…Queen. The only thing ”metal” about this band was the mass of rhinestones adorning Freddie Mercury’s codpiece.

Grammy’s, you so silly! Now I just want to know where my “J-Pop/Emo Fusion Performance” category is…

SExGiFT 3 - NY Coed Soccer 1

Sunday, February 4th saw the SExGiFT soccer team play against some team with a stupid Dutch name. Because their name was so stupid, we here at SExGiFT thought it would be appropriate to defeat them so thoroughly as to effectively end their chances of getting laid in the future. Everyone knows that Dutch people are sort of weird looking anyway - believe me, I've talked to plenty of Germans and Italians about this* - so, to begin with, the fact that we're even talking about how a team with a stupid Dutch name could get laid at all is a little bit ridiculous. But whatever their chances were before playing us, well, they're lower now. Thanks, mostly, to our full-blown awesomeness. Not AIDS. Awesomeness. Mostly.

8-1 was the final. Many people scouring over the box score in the New York Times on Monday might have been led to believe that Dan's 4 goals led the SuperExplosion of GiggleFunTime all over this alien Dutch team. Many people would have been misled. The New York Times failed to articulate that the game was won by our female LLC (which now includes Evan - who played his best game of the season, by far - pulling passes out of his ass that even Zidane would have been proud of). We know that our collective physical beauty eclipses that of every other team combined**, but it's our LLC that really gives us the edge. Have you looked at them recently? They drip with SExGiFT passion! And fuck you up at the same time!

FC Mouthguard is up on next on the schedule. Not to talk shit about them or anything, but I'm pretty sure they're a bunch of assholes. I read about them on wikipedia....




* we all know that Germans and Italians have two of the more attractive populations in Europe....
** in fact, it would take 14 bowls of Castle Numbskull to equal just one bowl of SExGiFT

Goodbye, Miss American Trim-S[pie]

America is in mourning. No, not because the death toll of American soldiers killed in Iraq is now at 3,114 or even because floods are consuming Florida’s coast. It’s because our loveable and semi-retarded former Playboy Playmate and Trim-Spa spokesperson is dead. Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Which raises a question: Who will take her place? What sorry excuse for human life is ready to take over the throne which Anna Nicole had kept so warm these past 10 years? Is it Tara Reid? Perhaps it’s Tara Reid? Or maybe it's even Tara Reid.

Look, it’s not right to make fun of this poor woman’s death. After all, she may have been murdered. But her almost definite suicide is a testament to how cruel fame can be. She was lambasted in the news for being a fatty (which she was), a retard (which she was), white trash (which she was). But you gotta feel sorry for someone who was so tormented with her own demons that she lost her life because of them. Rest in peace, my slow-witted princess. I still would fuck you, even though you are dead.

Suri In My Ass Part II

Ferg-E.T.

I totally and openly ripped this off directly from wwtdd.com, but I thought it was so hilarious and dead on, I had to feature it here. This is not only one of the best Fergie pics ever, but it's one of the best celeb comparisons I have seen.

How do people look past how goddamn FUG this bitch is? Mind you, I don't have a problem with people who are uggles, but I do have a problem with uggles people who WRITE SONGS ABOUT HOW SCRUMPTIOUS THEY ARE. I want to vomit inside of her.

I also love how she claims that she has never had plastic surgery. Are you kidding me? She looks like an inflated muppet. The "anti-aging" trend in Hollywood has got to stop--these celebs don't realize how fucking busted they end up looking afterwards. I'd say that 60% of celebs who get cosmetic surgery look far worse and OLDER after their adjustments. Did you happen to see Olivia Newton-John on that new faggoty reality show about casting the new Broadway revival of Grease? (Probably not, since the show is an embarrassment to humanity, and I only stumbled upon it last night because I'm too much of a pussy to like football.)

Here's a picture of what ONJ looked like back in the day, about 30 years ago.


Smokin'.












2004. Starting to get old...Perhaps a little surgery?













And....NOW. It looks like a hundred thousand bottle rockets went off in her face.










Though she's pushing 60, I'd rather fuck the 70-year-old-future-her WITHOUT any plastic surgery.

Or E.T.

At least he wouldn't fall apart if I were to try and kiss him.

Drawing(and cats...)

Thanks to the Wooster Collective for this.

MY new favorite site

OK, Dan may have found his favorite website, but I've definitely found mine:

http://www.familywatchdog.us

That's right, its the National Sex Offender Registry. And you can type in your address and actually SEE how close you are to a sex offender!

I know what you're thinking: But Ethan, this informative website is not meant for such exploitative, recreational use. You're stealing valuable bandwidth from concerned women and parents who need this information to stay safe.

To that, I answer: But hunting down pervs is just so much FUN!

In all seriousness, it is kind of remarkable how accessible this info is. Not only does this website reveal the exact home and work addresses of each of these rapists and molesters, but it even shows you a MUGSHOT of each offender. After my 5th or 6th creep-o, I started to actually feel bad for some of these dudes. Their lives are pretty much PERMANENTLY tarnished for chasing down some 13 year old tail. Not that they don't necessarily deserve such punishment...It's just pretty depressing.

This kind of reminds me of that crazy ass Dateline NBC show, To Catch a Predator. I seriously love watching it, but feel totally guilty and awful every time I do. The way they surround this pathetic, obviously unarmed fuckers with mace and guns and tasers and then slam them to the ground like they've just caught Charles Manson after a killing spree...I mean, it does make me actually feel for the "bad guy." You want so badly to believe that the series is doing the community a service by busting and exposing these sick fucks, but really, come on--we all know that NBC's main priority will never change: ratings.

I'm not saying that the NSOR website is even close to as exploitative as Predator, but dammmmmmn, am I going to abuse this service...

"Hey dude, check out what THIS faggot chaser looks like!"
Yay! Now we can ALL be like Chris Hanson!