Super Explosion Giggle Fun Time.

Cunt Smasher

2008-04-26T00:00:00.001-05:00

unoriginaly sweet

2007-06-18T13:59:00.001-05:00

http://view.break.com/313187 - Watch more free videos

50 mph stuck to the front of a semi

2007-06-07T09:18:00.000-05:00

He pulled in front of the truck at a gas station and the wheelchair's handles got stuck in the truck's front grille.

I have NO comment on this one.

STUPID

2007-05-30T10:01:00.000-05:00

Below is Bowling for Soup's new video, "When We Die." But this blog really isn't even about this video. It's about how amazing it is that I can find so much shit on the web that makes me want to kill myself.

We see myriad stories on emo and how deplorable or incomprehensible it is. Fox News literally does entire segments on kittens. Kittens. No joke. A woman in Boston owns a kitten that can open doors. Oh my God. A kitten opening a door? Holy shit. Then they report that MIT - you know, one of the most prestigious schools in the country? - conducted a study on the effecti...no, I'm going to bold and caps this shit - THE EFFECTIVENESS OF ALUMINUM FOIL HELMETS. (Think I'm lying?) Honestly, I didn't know which was worse - MIT or Fox News. Now I believe it's MIT because Fox simply employs idiots to report on those with intrinsic idiocy.

I digress. Sort of. My point is, there is sooooooo much stupidity in this world it's absurd. And people eat that shit up like candy. My mom LOVES Fox News.

So with all that prep, take a look at this video. It's...I mean...ridiculous. I don't know how so many people (there are quite a few hands in the soup - no pun intended - when it comes to making a video) can let this air. If anyone knows for sure if this video was made as a joke, please reply to this blog with that information. This video makes suicide look like the easy way out. So after watching this, I will state that, instead of suicide, I've now decided to stick around and just cut off my cock.

-billy

...and i think we're dead....thanks, lisa

2007-05-23T23:26:00.000-05:00

awesome german street art

2007-05-12T12:05:00.000-05:00

Paris Hilton To Die In Prison

2007-05-05T14:29:00.000-05:00

I'm calling it now - she either gets murdered by jealous inmates or kills herself due to lack of acceptable amenities. I swear, she's dead in 20 days. Start counting.

thank you, lisa

2007-05-01T17:02:00.001-05:00

i...i got nothin....

Easter BBQ with Clinton Portis, Santana Moss, et al.....

2007-04-25T17:56:00.000-05:00

all i can say is that the ribs were REALLY fucking good.

Next Stop: Little Rock Senior High School Soccer Practice

2007-04-23T10:10:00.000-05:00

our friend, Dokaka.

2007-04-21T22:38:00.001-05:00

it's been a while, but i haven't forgotten....

Na-Cho-Leon Dynamite

2007-04-20T12:56:00.000-05:00

We here at SExGiFT express our deepest sympathy for those close to what happened in Blackstone, VA. It is nothing short of horrific on all accounts. And by posting something about it here, we are in no way making light of the situation. However, we are DEFINITELY making fun of Cho's voice, which bears a striking resemblance to Napoleon Dynamite.

SuperExplosions More Explosive than Originally Thoughtcover up, it's going to be a wet spring

2007-04-17T08:04:00.000-05:00

For Immediate Release

Addition By Crazy

NEW YORK, NY April 17, 2007 - SuperExplosionGiggleFunTime, the nation's premier coed soccer team, has added a crucial piece to its already mythic roster. Matt, who is, by all accounts, the most intense competitor anyone has ever seen outside of Ancient Greece where men used to actually fight lions in front of other people, has joined our affiliate team The Giggle to play between the pipes. Or between the flimsy aluminum foil cylinders that serves as our goal frames.

Some of you are intimately familiar with him. Others of you just design intimate-wear. And one or two of you are intimately familiar with him wearing intimate-wear. But for those of you who haven't been to wwtdd.com in a while, here's a short profile on our new friend.

His name: Matt.

His occupation: Crazy.

Piercings: Several.

Pants ripped both on the knee and BEHIND the knee: Too many to count.

Sum Total: Gigglocracy.

In the words of Sean Michaels, as spoken to XPac after he found out that XPac repeatedly banged (and enjoyed banging) China:

Suck it!

The Retard Factory Mystery

2007-03-12T18:45:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure it was Kim Kardashian who left the gate open. If she screwed up the whole "deal with your left" thing, she could have easily screwed up the whole "keep the gate closed" thing.

Who left the gate open at the retard factory?

2007-03-09T11:11:00.000-05:00

Hahahahahha. After my last post, I decided to search for more covers of this song. There are TONS and every one is more than entertaining. I wish I could post them all but that would be stupid. So if you have some time, check them out.

I Will Follow You Into The Duck

2007-03-09T10:57:00.000-05:00

This is a cover of Death Cab For Cutie's "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" (a song that should TOTALLY be covered). It was made for a "cover contest." I have honestly never been more suicidal than I was after the first 5 seconds. I made it to 1:52. Anyone care to take me on?

Saturday Night Idol?

2007-03-07T23:31:00.000-05:00

so, uh, when did they let tracy morgan audition for idol?

Suri Cruise Part III

2007-03-06T11:35:00.000-05:00

Those CRAZY Germans Are At IT Again...And by IT, I mean SEX!

2007-03-03T16:31:00.000-05:00

I found this little tidbit during my weekly combing of the internet for information on incest. FINALLY, there is hope for me and my brother....

click here for the link

he was........aaaaaaaaaaasian

2007-02-27T20:53:00.001-05:00

Modular chair
Uploaded by grrrrreg

I must be Emo.

2007-02-27T17:39:00.000-05:00

Oh. My. FUCKING. GOD.
Am I wrong in saying that this is single-handedly and undoubtedly the best news report ever done in the history of the world?

SExGiFT 4 AND 5 - NY Coed Soccer 1 your ass is so on fire

2007-02-26T16:54:00.000-05:00

To recap from 2 weeks ago:

Team Explosion defeated a "bunch of assholes" 3-0. Ain't no thang.

Yesterday:

The SuperExploders added yet another clean sheet to their record as they forced Bloody Mary(s) to suck on even more of Jesus' cock. She sucked it so hard we all thought that Jesus' balls would come flying up through his dickhole and choke her. Fortunately, that didn't happen and Mary is able to go on sucking for another day.

In one of the most complete games SExGiFT has put together, Michelle notched her first goal of the season, becoming the final regular field player to tally their first goal. Well done, Michelle! It's about time!

Ravi made his season debut, brandishing his gigantic brown scimitar of pain (found on Level 6 of the Necropolis by defeating Ulgath in his house outside of Doongsein) and instilling fear deep...deep within the hearts of that bloody bitch. While he didn't find the back of the net with his scimitar, he surely proved that he knows what to do with it. Overheard on the B(owel) M(ovements) sideline at the end of the game, "wow. did you see Ravi today? holy crap i want him inside me.... do you have a towel?" -Keeper McBetweenTheLegsAroundMyBackDownMyAssCrackAndOutMyMouthForMySpecialReverseDigestionThrow

Stellar ball movment, flawless ball control, and top shelf goalkeeping proved to be far too much for the opponent on Sunday. And all indicators point to a similar situation next week as SExGiFT takes on Free Agent Team 5.

FAT5. Good name guys. With all the free time you guys have while you're picking the ball out of the back of the net, maybe you can think of a name for your team.....

Explode.

James Van Helsing

2007-02-22T19:09:00.000-05:00

This is pure awesomeness. I would LOVE - LOOOOVE - to be this dude's neighbor. I'd fuck with him every day of the week. From CNN.com...
__________________________________________

OCONOMOWOC, Wisconsin (AP) -- A man says he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his upstairs neighbor was watching.

"Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. "This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake."

According to a criminal complaint, the neighbor told police that Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning February 12, damaging the frame and lock.

"Where is she?" Van Iveren demanded, thrusting the sword at the neighbor, the complaint said. "Where is she?"

The neighbor told police Van Iveren became increasingly aggressive as he repeated the question, insisting that he had heard a woman being raped. The complaint said that, with the sword pointed at him, the neighbor led Van Iveren throughout the apartment, opening closet doors to prove he was alone.

The neighbor later played for police the part of the DVD he believed Van Iveren heard downstairs.

Van Iveren, 39, of Oconomowoc, was charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct, all while using a dangerous weapon, and is scheduled to appear in court March 5. Together, the misdemeanor counts carry a maximum sentence of 33 months in jail.

Van Iveren said Tuesday that he heard a woman "screaming for help," grabbed the sword, bounded up the stairs, kicked in the apartment door and confronted the man who lived there.

"I intended to hold it behind my back and knock. But I froze and instead, what happened happened," he told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.

Contesting his neighbor's account, Van Iveren said he didn't look anywhere in the apartment except the front room, and that he never threatened the neighbor with the sword.

"I had the sword extended, but that was all," he said.

Van Iveren, who lives with his mother in the downstairs apartment, said he did not call police when he heard the noises because he does not have a telephone. He said he barely knew the upstairs tenant.

Police seized Van Iveren's sword, which he said was a family heirloom.

____________________________________________________________

CNN.com original post

American Idol my new favorite lifestyle

2007-02-20T18:29:00.000-05:00

For the third year in a row, I am superfuckingtimberlakepsyched for the live portion of American Idol. Not because of Simon's fat girl titties, Paula's sad life, or even Randy's racially biased commenting (which actually comes in second on my list of favorite Idol-related things, dawg (unless you're white, dude).

No, my superfuckingtimeberlakegiganticbonerpsyched-ness comes from a little site I've mentioned before called TradeSports.

Yes, it's once again time...to...BET ON IDOL!!!

The top 24 is set, the lines have been established, and Chris with the crazy hair is the clear favorite out of the gate. Something I don't have a problem with. I'm actually a little disappointed - I was hoping that gambling America would sleep on him a little bit, letting me get in on him early (like I did with Taylor last year.... Yes, that's right...TradeSports deposited some delicious crispy greens in my account after last year's show).

You can bet as little as $0.50 in some cases - so it's really not a big deal to play along. And it makes the show 6 buzillion times more interesting.

Soooooo....get your asses over to TradeSports and sign up for your own account and get betting! That Jersey slut Antonella Barba will be ripe for betting against in about two weeks. I can't wait to see her big Italian-American tears drip down her face as Simon tells her to blow him because she's not good for anything else. Other than making me money, of course....

only in germany.

2007-02-16T02:17:00.000-05:00

::sigh:: germans....

The Perfect Picture

2007-02-14T10:20:00.000-05:00

I stumbled upon this picture totally randomly--I have no clue when or where it's from, but it's just SO perfect. It pretty much sums everything up about everyone involved.It's like each of them are making the EXACT expression that characterizes them as people. Look very carefully--everything from the way each one gives the finger, to the individual smiles--it's all too perfect.

It's true: a picture does speak 1000 words.

Oh. My. God. (Here we are now, entertain us.)

2007-02-13T16:27:00.001-05:00

Words cannot describe...

Paul Anka performing "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

Grammys For Your Granny!

2007-02-12T19:28:00.000-05:00

While clawing my eyes out watching the Grammy’s last night, I realized that my favorite category, "Best Native American Album," was one of those awards given before the show at a Denny’s in Louisville, Kentucky.

I also decided to look up what band had won for Best Metal Performance (whatever the fuck that truly means). Your answer: Slayer. Respectable…though it would have made more sense 10 years ago, before they decided to release an album that most metal aficionados would agree sounds worse than the death rattles of small babies.

Nine Inch Nails, Korn, Slipknot, Tool: all past winners; all just BARELY "metal." And then, of course, there’s Linkin Park and Evanescence. I'm pretty much nauseated at this point. And if that's not enough, for whatever reason, Black Sabbath won in 2000 for “Iron Man”. Did every Metal band take a nap that year?!?

But the one “Performance” that blew my mind was that of a band I love. The year was 1991 and the band was…Queen. The only thing ”metal” about this band was the mass of rhinestones adorning Freddie Mercury’s codpiece.

Grammy’s, you so silly! Now I just want to know where my “J-Pop/Emo Fusion Performance” category is…

SExGiFT 3 - NY Coed Soccer 1

2007-02-09T10:30:00.000-05:00

Sunday, February 4th saw the SExGiFT soccer team play against some team with a stupid Dutch name. Because their name was so stupid, we here at SExGiFT thought it would be appropriate to defeat them so thoroughly as to effectively end their chances of getting laid in the future. Everyone knows that Dutch people are sort of weird looking anyway - believe me, I've talked to plenty of Germans and Italians about this* - so, to begin with, the fact that we're even talking about how a team with a stupid Dutch name could get laid at all is a little bit ridiculous. But whatever their chances were before playing us, well, they're lower now. Thanks, mostly, to our full-blown awesomeness. Not AIDS. Awesomeness. Mostly.

8-1 was the final. Many people scouring over the box score in the New York Times on Monday might have been led to believe that Dan's 4 goals led the SuperExplosion of GiggleFunTime all over this alien Dutch team. Many people would have been misled. The New York Times failed to articulate that the game was won by our female LLC (which now includes Evan - who played his best game of the season, by far - pulling passes out of his ass that even Zidane would have been proud of). We know that our collective physical beauty eclipses that of every other team combined**, but it's our LLC that really gives us the edge. Have you looked at them recently? They drip with SExGiFT passion! And fuck you up at the same time!

FC Mouthguard is up on next on the schedule. Not to talk shit about them or anything, but I'm pretty sure they're a bunch of assholes. I read about them on wikipedia....

* we all know that Germans and Italians have two of the more attractive populations in Europe....
** in fact, it would take 14 bowls of Castle Numbskull to equal just one bowl of SExGiFT

Goodbye, Miss American Trim-S[pie]

2007-02-08T17:28:00.000-05:00

America is in mourning. No, not because the death toll of American soldiers killed in Iraq is now at 3,114 or even because floods are consuming Florida’s coast. It’s because our loveable and semi-retarded former Playboy Playmate and Trim-Spa spokesperson is dead. Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Which raises a question: Who will take her place? What sorry excuse for human life is ready to take over the throne which Anna Nicole had kept so warm these past 10 years? Is it Tara Reid? Perhaps it’s Tara Reid? Or maybe it's even Tara Reid.

Look, it’s not right to make fun of this poor woman’s death. After all, she may have been murdered. But her almost definite suicide is a testament to how cruel fame can be. She was lambasted in the news for being a fatty (which she was), a retard (which she was), white trash (which she was). But you gotta feel sorry for someone who was so tormented with her own demons that she lost her life because of them. Rest in peace, my slow-witted princess. I still would fuck you, even though you are dead.

Suri In My Ass Part II

2007-02-07T12:58:00.000-05:00

Ferg-E.T.

2007-02-05T10:07:00.000-05:00

I totally and openly ripped this off directly from wwtdd.com, but I thought it was so hilarious and dead on, I had to feature it here. This is not only one of the best Fergie pics ever, but it's one of the best celeb comparisons I have seen.

How do people look past how goddamn FUG this bitch is? Mind you, I don't have a problem with people who are uggles, but I do have a problem with uggles people who WRITE SONGS ABOUT HOW SCRUMPTIOUS THEY ARE. I want to vomit inside of her.

I also love how she claims that she has never had plastic surgery. Are you kidding me? She looks like an inflated muppet. The "anti-aging" trend in Hollywood has got to stop--these celebs don't realize how fucking busted they end up looking afterwards. I'd say that 60% of celebs who get cosmetic surgery look far worse and OLDER after their adjustments. Did you happen to see Olivia Newton-John on that new faggoty reality show about casting the new Broadway revival of Grease? (Probably not, since the show is an embarrassment to humanity, and I only stumbled upon it last night because I'm too much of a pussy to like football.)

Here's a picture of what ONJ looked like back in the day, about 30 years ago.

Smokin'.

2004. Starting to get old...Perhaps a little surgery?

And....NOW. It looks like a hundred thousand bottle rockets went off in her face.

Though she's pushing 60, I'd rather fuck the 70-year-old-future-her WITHOUT any plastic surgery.

Or E.T.

At least he wouldn't fall apart if I were to try and kiss him.

Drawing(and cats...)

2007-02-02T14:25:00.000-05:00

Thanks to the Wooster Collective for this.

MY new favorite site

2007-02-01T15:01:00.005-05:00

OK, Dan may have found his favorite website, but I've definitely found mine:

http://www.familywatchdog.us

That's right, its the National Sex Offender Registry. And you can type in your address and actually SEE how close you are to a sex offender!

I know what you're thinking: But Ethan, this informative website is not meant for such exploitative, recreational use. You're stealing valuable bandwidth from concerned women and parents who need this information to stay safe.

To that, I answer: But hunting down pervs is just so much FUN!

In all seriousness, it is kind of remarkable how accessible this info is. Not only does this website reveal the exact home and work addresses of each of these rapists and molesters, but it even shows you a MUGSHOT of each offender. After my 5th or 6th creep-o, I started to actually feel bad for some of these dudes. Their lives are pretty much PERMANENTLY tarnished for chasing down some 13 year old tail. Not that they don't necessarily deserve such punishment...It's just pretty depressing.

This kind of reminds me of that crazy ass Dateline NBC show, To Catch a Predator. I seriously love watching it, but feel totally guilty and awful every time I do. The way they surround this pathetic, obviously unarmed fuckers with mace and guns and tasers and then slam them to the ground like they've just caught Charles Manson after a killing spree...I mean, it does make me actually feel for the "bad guy." You want so badly to believe that the series is doing the community a service by busting and exposing these sick fucks, but really, come on--we all know that NBC's main priority will never change: ratings.

I'm not saying that the NSOR website is even close to as exploitative as Predator, but dammmmmmn, am I going to abuse this service...

"Hey dude, check out what THIS faggot chaser looks like!"
Yay! Now we can ALL be like Chris Hanson!

My new favorite site

2007-01-31T16:10:00.000-05:00

Celebopedia

This site is amazing.

How Kelly Clarkson has a higher sex appeal rating than Angelina Jolie is beyond me. But you know what, Celebopedia lets you change that. You can rank celebrities based on a few different characteristics, Sex Appeal being one. Let's see what happens when I give that piggy Clarkson a 20....

And what happened here????

This cretin has a 97 rating for sex appeal!

Too bad the site isn't really built out. It would be cooler if the site had charts so you could follow someone's beauty progression or comparison tables like if you were shopping for cell phones. But it's mostly interesting to see how other people rate all these celebrities. Because, you know, I definitely don't spend time rating them.

Suri Cruise, get in my ass.

2007-01-31T14:22:00.000-05:00

SExGiFT 2 - NY Coed Soccer 1(blood has been spilled...)

2007-01-29T16:15:00.000-05:00

It has taken me a long time, too long, to post about what happened 10 days ago at Baruch College. The events that transpired on Sunday the 21st were both saddening and frightening.
.
.
.
The SExGiFT soccer team, for those of you who don't already know, is the best team to ever play in the NY Coed Soccer league. Ever (did I say ever yet? Ever.) As is prone to happen to great teams, especially those great teams that have only been playing together for 3 games, we suffered a minor setback in our quest to dominate (in a sexual way) all those who take the field opposite our most blessed team.

Only this setback was no ordinary setback. We were defeated 1-0 by a group of aliens known by their Earthly name as Castle Crapskull. The lone goal was scored just a few minutes into the match by Alien #1, Paul Braff.

We were fortunate to have such a quality keeper in net as he thwarted, yet again, numerous rape attempts on our goal. NY Coed Soccer: our goal is beautiful, yes, and she has deliciously voluptuous breasts that feel wonderful in one's hands; we know this. However, she is not for you, and never will be - not now, not ever. And we defend her honor with the might conferred onto us by the good lord above. We are the Chosen. Yes, we are.

Following the game, we found ourselves in position unfamiliare: the losing end of a vicious battle. Fortunately, others have been in this cauldron of fear before and we draw strength from their experiences. We have seen them taste from the plate of sorrow, drink from the cup of misery, and suckle from the teat of disillusionment. And we have seen them grow more powerful, more dominant, and ever more handsome until their force was known by all.

Most notably, of course, I'm talking about Rocky Balboa. For, you see, children, the name of that film series is not Apollo Creed, is it? No, it's not! Apollo? He died in episode 4 - and you can't name a film series for a LOSER. Who is the film series named after? Rocky. Rocky Balboa. Virtuous, elegant, smashing. Rocky, though he lost his first bout with Apollo, eventually went on to dominate chicks left and right (as Talia Shire and her gaping "2" can attest). He became World Champion. But not before dining at the buffet of the broken.

We, too, have sampled from those sterno-heated platters - and, beware NY Coed Soccer League Winter 2007 Indoor Championship Division: we all have sort of fucked up stomachs and we will SuperExplode that buffet directly into your mouths. Beware.

Donnie Davies

2007-01-29T10:54:00.000-05:00

Look, here's the deal: we don't purport to deliver some kind of breaking-news type service to you. We're not trying to be your source for celebrity gossip like Perez Hilton or whatever. Our goal is to break down some of the more interesting things that happen in this crazy world for you in ways that are far more entertaining than you could find anywhere else. We're your fun filter. Your GiggleFun filter.

Anyway, here's a perfect example. GorillaMask posted a link to this idiot above (Donnie Davies') website where he talks about which bands will make you gay.

GorillaMask, good jo-- eh, not really.

See, they missed something critical. And this is where we come in. As entertaining(?) as it is (I guess) to read about how Jay-Z and The Village People are equally gay for you, we search for the true humor. At SExGiFT, we deliver this:

and we link to his music video:

There is so much to love about these two videos, but personally, I enjoy his complaints about people not taking him seriously when the first thought that came into my mind when watching this was, "this seems oddly like a WWF confessional...." All the first video needs is for JR to scream "no...NOOOOO!!!" as some "fag" in rainbow tights walks in and choke-slams Donnie off that balcony. On that note, isn't it about time the WWE has a flamboyantly gay wrestler? One who wears those rainbow tights and talks all about getting up for matches and stuff? They tried it, sort of, with GoldDust like 6 or 7 years ago, but GoldDust was never really gay so much as just fucking creepy to the point that no one wanted to wrestle him.

Rachael Ray is a sexpot?

2007-01-28T16:26:00.000-05:00

Wow, I go away for 3 days, and this is what happens to the Blog? It disintegrates into a few words about blowjobs?

I guess I can't complain too much... I did, after all, start it by posting specifically and only about Jessica Biel's ass.

And while I will now try to pick up the class of our beloved SExGiFT blog, I must admit that this post is also going to center somewhat around sex. Well, sort of...

I randomly stumbled across these old photos of Rachael Ray from a 2003 copy of FHM Magazine.

Was she being serious? Or was she just desperate for cash back then? There is something oddly UNsexual about these photos, like the way it makes me feel to look at amateur porn where you're not quite sure that the subject is willingly posing. Sure, she's cute enough for a chef or whatever, but Ray is simply not hot enough for pictorials in a risque monthly men's magazine.

Though her floppy boobies do kind of make me nauseous, her awkward poses in each of these shots are what make me cringe (especially the one where she's standing against the wall--what is her left leg doing? Did she have polio as a kid?). The turkey-in-the-oven pic looks like her head was straight up photoshopped onto someone else's body. And the chocolate icing one is sort of erotic at first glance, i guess...but upon further reflection, she looks kind of like a Special Ed. student being taken advantage of.

I feel like I'm watching Gummo.

I like blowjobs.

2007-01-26T17:15:00.000-05:00

That's all, really. Dan's post just got me thinking.

Southern Justice

2007-01-25T10:05:00.000-05:00

Imagine being a senior in high school, getting a blow job from a sophomore, and then going to jail for 10 years. Crazy, right? Welcome to Georgia.

Jessica Biel's ass

2007-01-23T15:03:00.000-05:00

By now, pictures of Jessica Biel's ass have been plastered all over every single blog that has even one male contributor on hand, but I just had to join the party.

Look at this thing:
I wouldn't even know what to do with that. I would end up pushing her down and staring at her angrily for existing. I would probably find myself flicking it with a thumb and forefinger, or punching a 2nd hole in it. That thing can't be for real--it's too amazing.

SExGiFT 2 - NY Coed Soccer 0 (You're My Exercise, Baby!)

2007-01-19T16:53:00.001-05:00

Apologies for such a late post on such an important topic.

Last Sunday, the SExGiFT soccer team victimized its second opponent of the season. The White Shins, bad attitudes and all, could do little against the relentless SExGiFT drive for power and dominance. Though the final score was a boring 3-1 - no, there was no SuperExplosion to speak of this time - there was certainly a non-stop pounding of White Shin ass. The physical match saw TWS receive two yellow cards - both likely stemming from their frustration and sadness over being born without as much collective physical beauty as our clearly more fortunate side.

Leading the way for Team FunTime was Gerard, who notched his first two goals of the season. Current Golden Boot leader Paul Braff (of Castle Shitbags) failed to score, helping his team to a 3-nil defeat at the hands of Mayhem United (who?). Unfortunately, Amit thought he was playing for a different team on Sunday - a team that doesn't care if anyone scores and just plays "for the fun of it". This resulted in Amit missing a wonderful opportunity to claim the Golden Boot lead for the rightful ascendants to the NY Coed Soccer throne and finding himself tied with Dan for second place at 5 goals apiece.

His poor performance, along with Dan's virtual no-show (one goal? on a penalty shot?), our LLC's shaky performance, and Evan's existence made it clear that work needed to be done. We face our arch rivals, Castle Jizzrag, on Sunday and a performance like last week's will end in tragedy for both sides. That would clearly be unacceptable as we are in this for tragedy and despair on only one side of the field. To make sure that Sunday results in massive Greyskull-fucking, we engaged in a week of demanding and rigorous training to prepare, some of which you can view below.

The Official Paula Abdul Countdown to Rehab

2007-01-19T01:59:00.000-05:00

unfortunately, one of my favorite sites, TradeSports, doesn't have this as a bettable item. it should.

but, since it doesn't, i hearby begin The Official Paula Abdul Countdown to Rehab.

as this is an Official contest, the winner will be receiving a prize. yes, a prize. a prize in the form of an Official SExGiFT t-shirt, based on the super comfy American Apparel Jersey T, courtesy of the Super Exploders here at SExGiFT.

i think the contest doesn't need much in the way of explanation, but, for those of you who need more information:

clearly, this is a load of crap:

FOX Network issued a statement on Monday in support of Abdul: "Rather than getting angry about these difficulties, or stopping the tour, Paula forged ahead and decided to have fun with the increasingly challenging situation. Unfortunately, because reporters and viewers were unaware of the situation, her humor was misconstrued."

as such, the deal is this: predict when paula abdul will officially enter rehab. if you are correct, you will win. if no one predicts abdul's rehab entrance date exactly, the closest to the date will win. just send an email to me with your prediction and you'll be entered.

one entry per person. entries may be revised. contest closes whenever we feel like closing it or when paula abdul dies.

Matthew Knowles-All

2007-01-18T12:41:00.000-05:00

From the news wire:

Beverly Hills – Matthew Knowles has expressed outraged and blamed the Hollywood Foreign Press for his daughter, two-time Golden Globe nominee Beyonce Knowles for not walking away with a trophy. She was nominated for ‘Best Actress’ and ‘Best Song” category for the movie ‘Dreamgirls’ at the 64th Annual Golden Globe Awards.

Knowles told reporters back stage at the Beverly Hills Hilton that his daughter was outcasted and overlooked by a bureaucratic good old boy system that is still alive in 2007 as it was in 1967. “Today is MLK’s birthday and it saddens me to say that things have not changed for blacks. Working class blacks and blacks in Hollywood are still being discriminated against. We still have a long way to go,” he said.

Are you fucking KIDDING me? Is this retard actually arguing that his stupid-ass daughter lost out to THIRTEEN-TIME (13!!) Academy Award nominee (and 2 time winner) Meryl Streep because the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is RACIST?

What a piece of shit hack this guy is. And I should know, because I actually work for a huge music publicity/media company which the fucker has worked closely with. He's in here all the time, promoting his next new shitty, shitty talentless act. Like his Bow Wow ripoff, Lil' J Xavier. Or Sunshine Anderson. She's just AWESOME.

So not only does his hot daughter who can sing her ass off have ZERO skill as an actress (how the fuck she got nominated in the first place is beyond me), but this dude has ZERO ability to detect talent. The fact that each of his sperm are equipped with a Beyonce-licious booty doesn't make up for the fact that his kid can't act to save her life.

Dude, save your opinions for the family dinner table, where you can wag fingers and talk shit about real actresses all you want.

Oh, and did I mention that Beyonce's black co-star Jennifer Hudson won for Best Supporting Actress? I guess the panel just held their racist tongues when they gave Hudson her award.

What a bitter, jealous, ignorant asshole.

Paula Abdul Watches Plenty of 90210

2007-01-16T16:57:00.000-05:00

Wow, what a disaster Paula Abdul is.

Check out one of her many WASTED interviews she did this weekend. She made the rounds on multiple morning talk shows after downing half a bottle of scotch, a dozen Vicodin, and a bag of black tar heroin, and this one on a Fox local news channel is definitely my favorite. I've seen frat boys at ice luge parties better behaved than this chick.

Highlights include:

-Anchor: "What are you looking forward to this season?"
Paula: "How 'bout a lotta you comin' in??"
.....i mean....what???
-pronunciation of "a tremendous" as "an a tremus"
-actually, visibly THROWING UP IN HER MOUTH at exactly 1:58

Reh Dogg

2007-01-12T15:32:00.000-05:00

I really don't know how to introduce this clip.... But you know, upon further reflection, I think that maybe I should just let it speak for itself.

My friend Dave introduced me to Reh Dogg, perhaps the greatest hip-hop/R&B star to ever exist. His first single is called "Why Must I Cry?" and it is fan-fucking-tastic.

Please, enjoy:

I want to stress that this guy is very, very much real. He's not joking around or doing this for laughs. I think there might be something wrong with him ala Wesley Willis or Daniel Johnston. I mean, he's gotta be crazy, or a tard, or both. He has to be.

I'll be sure to update you on Reh Dogg once I find out more about him...

This is too good to be true.

Hungry? Have a toothbrush.

2007-01-11T21:03:00.000-05:00

I have to write about this, for the sole reason that if you don't know about this disorder, you need to. Not in like a "hey, watch out for this one" way, but in a "holy shit are you fucking kidding?" way.

After whackin' it last night, I was channel surfing and stopped on one of those trauma-in-the-emergency-room shows. Yeah, I get into that shit. So they show a few car accident victims, some dude who got a nail stuck in his chest, and then the most amazing thing I've ever seen. A chick is rushed to the ER for...

...here it comes...

...seriously, brace yourself...

INGESTING THREE TOOTHBRUSHES. I shit you not, the crack addict looking woman ATE three toothbrushes. Now if that's not enough to render you blind from tears of laughter, it gets better - way better. The doctors tell her that they can't get a good shot of the toothbrushes (three. three fucking toothbrushes) with ultrasound. They have to put a tiny camera down her throat into her stomach. Here we go. She actually resists this alternative because the thought of swallowing a camera freaks her out. ???? Are you- ??? What???

After agreeing to the treatment, we're shown that there are, in fact, three motherfucking toothbrushes in her stomach. Three toothbrushes, guys. These bitches are like 6" long!!! She needs surgery pronto. And then, while laying on the gurney on deck for surgery, she reaches over to a table next to her, picks up a AA battery and...

...eats it. She puts the battery in her mouth and fucking swallows it. The doctors converse with one another:

"Um, she just ate a battery."
"What?"
Then they turn to her -
"Why did you do that??"
She responds, "Hahaha, sorry."

I was not high or drunk while watching this show, and I am not retarded. Turns out there's a disorder called Pica that is very rare in adults, but very prominent in children. From wikipedia, "Pica is an appetite for non-foods (e.g., coal, soil, chalk, paper, etc.) or an abnormal appetite for some things that may be considered foods, such as food ingredients (e.g., flour, raw potato, starch)." See the entire entry here. When I was young, I would eat raw red meat and occasionally some raw dough and flour. I guess, maybe, I had a J.V. form of Pica, but definitely not one as collegiate as trauma girl's.

Shit, I'm a pussy. Ima go eat a stapler.

b

Jennie Garth Sucked Dick for Coke

2007-01-10T12:41:00.000-05:00

The other night I happened to be lucky enough to find myself hanging out with 4 girls watching an episode from the first season of Beverly Hills 90210.

Awesome.

So while the experience was entirely painful, I did manage to learn at least something: Kelly Taylor has lived through more pain and hardships than any other girl in the history of life.

Played on the show by Jennie Garth, Kelly had to face a tumultuous grab bag of tribulations. As pointed out by one of the fanatic girls guiding me through my first full episode of 90210, Kelly really had it fucking rough, yo--but she's an inspiration to women around the world because of it.

Check out this partial Wikipedia entry on Kelly Taylor:

Kelly was able to overcome many difficult issues and obstacles she faced. She dealt with a lot of hardships, including being date-raped, having rumors about her at school, using diet pills, being tricked into joining a cult, being able to quit the cult, being caught in a fire, becoming addicted to cocaine, being shot, getting amnesia, being raped, being in love triangles, having a difficult home life, her mother's divorces, choosing between her boyfriend and her best friend, choosing between her current boyfriend and a boy from her past, going to rehab, being stalked and almost killed by a patient from rehab, becoming unexpectantly pregnant and having a miscarriage, learning that she might not be able to have children because of a condition in her body. She was able to overcome these obstacles and become a better person because of them. She listens to other people's feelings and because of all the difficult times she went through, she is able to help others and become stronger because of it.

(The complete entry can be found here.)

Wow, what a fucked up existence that bitch led. Thankfully, I don't know anyone who was raped, stalked, shot, addicted to coke and diet pills, AND once a victim of amnesia--but if I did, I'd be happy for them that they can't remember any of that shit now. Who would have thought that jarring your brain from bashing your head on something could be a blessing in disguise?

Well, apparently 90210 wasn't merely an hour long television drama: it was a guide to dealing with all the trials and tribulations of American teenage life.

...and a guide on how to become a fucking cracked out whore.

Red Hot Bullshit Peppers

2007-01-08T21:36:00.000-05:00

Mother's Milk was the shit when it was released in 1989. Two years later, Blood Sugar Sex Magik followed, showing very awesome promise for the Chili Peppers. And, being a drummer myself, I dig Chad Smith (who looks scarily like Will Ferrell in that picture). And Flea is pretty awesome, too. But you know what? I'm fucking tired of these shitbags, straight up. My ears continue to bleed every time I hear something from this poop-juggernaut of a band. Let's examine the lyrics to "Snow."

Come to decide that the things that I tried
Were in my life just to get high on
When I sit alone come get a little known
But I need more than myself this time
Step from the road to the sea to the sky
And I do believe that we rely on
When I lay it on Come get to play it on
All my life to sacrifice

I would rather watch an infant drown than read that passage again. It was all I could do to even paste it here. And here comes the spectacular chorus:

Hey oh listen what I say oh
I got your
Hey oh now listen what I say oh

Are you fucking kidding me? Please, tell me these guys are playing a joke on us. You got my what? You got my hey oh? What the fuck is a hey oh?

When will I know that I really can't go
To the well once more time to decide on
When it's killing me

"Time to decide on when it's killing me." Sure.

When will I really see
All that I need to look inside
Come to believe that I better not leave
Before I get my chance to ride
When it's killing me
What do I really need
All that I need to look inside

This entire song is just an absolute train wreck. With a plane crash on top of the train. And then the creme de la creme:

Hey oh listen what I say oh
Come back and
Hey oh lookey what I say oh

Come back aaaaand ____...?????? And that's right - "Lookey." Not only can I not "lookey" at something you say, but I would probably kick in the nuts or vagina the person using "lookey" seriously. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the freedom of art. But son of a bitch this is bad.

There are more lyrics - a hair tearing amount more - but I just can't go on. Even blogging this much in depth about it has brought me to nausea.

Fuck the Chili Peppers.

b

SExGiFT 1 - NY Coed Soccer 0

2007-01-08T16:15:00.000-05:00

Well, after week #1, the SExGiFT soccer team sits comfortably atop the NY Coed Soccer leaderboard. Sunday afternoon saw SExGiFT deliver a Super Explosion all over the faces of Free Agent Team 4, splooging from kick-off to final whistle, resulting in a 16-2 final score.

The team was paced by the right foot (and sexy brown skin) of Amit, who scored 5 goals. No one really understands how he scored so many goals - maybe it was because there was another brown man in the FAT4 goal and they had some weird mutual-back-scratching thing worked out. Amit, what did you have to give up for all those goals?

As our female LLC promised, they brought the goods all game long. In addition to pouring in 5 of the 16 goals, they thwarted numerous rape attempts on our goal, reiterating the notion that if rape is to occur on our field, we will be the rapists.

The day wasn't all SuperExplosionGiggleFunTime, however, as Alien 1, Castle Greyskull's Paul Braff, scored 6 goals to take a slight lead over Amit in the Golden Boot competition. Go look at the Castle Greyskull post from a few days ago. You'll notice Paul, easily identifiable by his completely Alien face. Oh, what's that? They all look like Aliens? Precisely.

I cannot wait to SuperExplode in their faces on January 21st at 5:15. Paul: you made a terrible, terrible mistake by scoring goals 4, 5, and 6 yesterday. Your fate is sealed. Make sure you bring a towel.

LIRR killing machine

2007-01-08T12:08:00.000-05:00

now, let's start with the obviously sad news:

8th grader Ari Kraft was killed by an LIRR train in Queens while tagging signal boxes with his little 13 year-old graffiti spray paint cans.

now, the ridiculous news, from yesterday's Daily News:

"Ari's family has vowed to sue the LIRR and the city for failing to do more to block access to the tracks."

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch!!!! that's the sound of trains grinding to a halt. they're going to sue? because their son went through a fence to spray paint signal boxes, on active train tracks, and got hit by a train and died (his remains were...scattered) because he couldn't run away in time? wait, let me get this straight, just so i can understand, Mena Sofir (family friend), you have the floor. "If there was no hole in the fence, his [Roger Kraft] son would be alive today."

Ah, i see. Ari Kraft died because there was a hole in the LIRR's fence! AHA! it wasn't because he was fucking painting on train tracks or trying to dodge trains. Tresspassing, covering shit in graffiti (note: i am a supporter of graffiti art, but it is illegal.), but it wasn't his fault. he would never have been trying to graffiti the signal boxes if there weren't holes in the fence (holes that he *definitely* didn't cut himself). now, maybe i'm wrong, and a racist self-hater, but jesus christ, is that not a typically lame jewish way to spin shit. oh, no, it's not OUR fault, no way. shift responsibility, blame others. everyone but ourselves. i hope the judge tells them to go home.

which he probably won't do, because, you know, there shouldn't be holes in the LIRR's fences.

via NYDN
via AM New York

Bron-Bron and some boobies

2007-01-07T22:12:00.001-05:00

it must be pretty tough, being a professional athlete....

click the photo for the NSFW details of Lebron's Super Explosion: Miami Fun Time.

Britney Spears? Hell yeah, I'd tear that sh... UGH!! WTF??

2007-01-05T14:38:00.000-05:00

ugh. ugh.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I seriously want to vomit.

I cannot believe I once wanted to fuck this. Badly.

This is devastating.

Sure, Brit's been looking pretty awful lately, but this is just... this is some next level shit. This is like, The Matrix-level mind-blowing.

On the other hand, I am so relieved that she looks like this now. Because Britney Spears singlehandedly RUINED girls for me for about 4 years. I'm not kidding. Do you remember this Britney?

Jeeeeesus. I would have destroyed that shit.

And consequentially, as a naive teenager, I foolishly began to compare all females to this completely fabricated and fleeting image the pop star put forth. "Wow, so this is what I should be aiming for physically in a woman," I reasoned.

Too bad it DOESN'T ACTUALLY EXIST.

But this does:

Wow. Reality bites.

And thank God for that.

nyc whores

2007-01-05T00:18:00.000-05:00

who cares about this stupid slut? seriously, who cares?

i don't get it. do you even know who she is? any of you? no, you don't. yet people write about her. like papermag.

now, i don't mean to talk shit about papermag--they've been good to my friends butch and bellie, but come on. who the fuck cares about timmany hortimer and her snaggly vagina?

there's only one thing worse than going to a blog you like and seeing a post about something you just completely don't care about: going to 10 blogs you like and seeing a post about the same exact thing that you completely don't care about.

and you know what else? in that papermag post, talking about how her sister has the best body in the nyc socialite scene... really? she does? if that's the best body in that scene then something is seriously wrong. i mean, other than her down syndrome lion face.

Castle Greyskull?

2007-01-04T13:23:00.001-05:00

The SExGiFT Soccer Team has identified our competition, and our competition looks like this:

I don't think there's any chance that we won't destroy this group of aliens.

Castle Greyskull will become Castle Grey-skullfucked after we ram our collective SuperExplodingGiggleFunTime Cock through their eyes and into their brains. Causing massive hemmorhaging and relatively severe damage to the cortical-frontal lobe.

Our roster: loaded
Our talent: undeniable
Our cock: massive

SuperExplosionGiggleFunTime

Donald vs. Rosie: Round 3 - FIGHT!

2007-01-04T12:50:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe that this "feud" is still going on. Is Donald Trump serious? I mean, I guess if he's doing this purely for publicity, it is kind of awesome. In that case, the dude clearly has a sense of humor. And the fact that Rosie isn't even bothering any longer to quit stuffing her face for a minute and actually respond to this douche is what makes it that much funnier.

But something tells me he's fucking serious...

The only thing funnier than (or sadder?) than that is Rosie's blog. Have you seen this thing?? It looks like it was written by a 14-year-old chick with a learning disability discovering what it's like to keep a journal for the first time. I'm so depressed by this.

http://www.rosie.com

Check out the "Ask Rosie" section for especially painful responses from our favorite fat down syndromed friend.

Hawkeyes? More like Suck-eyes.

2007-01-03T14:25:00.000-05:00

From Andrew Fixell:

I've rooted for the Iowa Hawkeyes for as long as I can remember. Maybe I love Iowa because my grandfather was a diehard fan who attended the school over 60 years ago. Or maybe it was because I thought "Hawkeyes" was just a really cool name. But if you watched the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl on Tuesday night and you didn’t immediately become a fan of Boise State, you deserve to be hanged and have it caught on a cell phone camera for the world to see. Or something to that extent.

Take a look at what I mean:

QB Jared Zabransky faked a pass to the right, pulled the ball around his back, and handed off to running back Ian Johnson for a successful Modified Statue of Liberty play (which is more rare than a solar eclipse...or a non-anti-semitic Mel Gibson comment).

To see the plays leading up to the two-point conversion check this link out.

Ha, and Ian Johnson proposes to his girlfriend after the conversion...how sweet.

I'll never stop loving my Hawkeyes--but after Tuesday night’s game, I think I’ve developed a little extra room in my heart for Boise State (Cue "Full House" music).

Tara Re-tard in 2007

2007-01-03T10:32:00.000-05:00

Ok, clearly blogging about Tara Reid is unnecessary and redundant at this point. It's like holding a symposium to denounce the atrocities of the Holocaust.

But I just had to point out to Dan that there ARE worse ways to bring in the New Year than with a stroke victim. And Ryan Seacrest. I mean, Dick Clark had a much easier time counting down, and he's half-dead.

It's hard to tell, but if you listen closely, you can hear Tara skip around from number to number about as haphazardly as a computer can randomly generate. It's like she's trying to fuck up. There's even a fantastic moment about 45 seconds in where one of the dudes holding the camera makes this confused face as he tries to make sense of what planet she's counting on. I think she rolls from 20..18... directly to 10...9... It's awesome.

Dumpster Diving

2007-01-03T09:17:00.000-05:00

From Karl Karlson:

Man Saved From Garbage Truck After Call

Some dumpster diving tips:

# 1: If if doesn't have a UPC code, throw it back.
# 2: Meats are perishable (remember this one well).
# 3: Dumpsters aren't exactly the wisest/most comfortable/pleasant smelling/rodent/vermin free places to catch up on some Z's.

Dick in 2007

2007-01-02T10:13:00.000-05:00

i don't think there's actually a proper place to start, so i'll just say this: Dick, no more. Please.

look, i know that your show SLAMMED Carson Daly's by doubling its ratings. but come on...how can a network consciously put him on television? is that really the answer? that his show pulled the biggest ratings?

i know some people actually wanted to watch dick's new year's show. "it's just not new year's without him." well, you know what? go fuck yourselves, ok? did you listen to him? the poor old man can't COUNT. (though, i think somewhere amongst the slurred stammering he might have actually nailed "five"...)

there's no more depressing way to start the new year than with a stroke victim.

and ryan seacrest.

Even cuter.

2007-01-02T09:57:00.000-05:00

I didn't think it would be possible to find a picture cuter than that of Saddam hanging, but I mean...

More unbearable cuteness at cuteoverload.com.

Ain't He Just Saddam Cute?

2006-12-31T15:32:00.000-05:00

Aaaaaaaaaaand, there is no Allah. Surprise! Aw, he was so sure, too.

and just in case you were wondering what it looks like when you're wrong....

Lomazing

2006-12-29T16:52:00.000-05:00

In a really serious and sincere way, I hope there are many more Lohans in the oven.

There's this great work below and this gem of a song here.

My honest advice is to let your mind escape. By killing yourself.

I can't believe someone put money into this. They wouldve done better shitting on the money, feeding it through a shredder, and then burning both the shredder and the cash. Jesus christ.

The Year in Unecessary Censorship

2006-12-29T16:00:00.000-05:00

if you didn't catch this on Jimmy Kimmel Live, you've gotta check it out:

The Year In Unecessary Censorship.

An alcohol-less LIRR?

2006-12-29T15:24:00.001-05:00

This David Karat character isn't the only Long Island/Westchester douche-bag to be upset by the news that the MTA will once again ban alcohol on LIRR and Metro-North trains for the New Year's love fest. The MTA is considering banning alcohol from the trains altogether - I can already hear all the Big 10 grads complaining.... But, you know, I *do* agree that trains should be more like bars and that prohibiting alcohol on trains is the first step on the way to prohibition.

via NY Daily News

Get ready...

2006-12-29T14:38:00.000-05:00

...for the best gift you'll ever receive. It's SExGiFT, bitches.

Coming soon.